Adapting To Uncertainty

A friend once told me that our elderly family members often don't make it through the long, cold, and dark of winter. That seems to be true for my dear mama.

 After we got back home after our quick Christmas visit, I got my brain an MRI to rule out various causes for my Vertigo/Meniere's Disease. It was challenging to last the 40 minutes in the capsule, moving and clanging me about, trying not to get an attack of vertigo. Then I spent my last precious day with Daughter just talking and making plans for a future trip together. It was sweet.

On 12/28, I dropped daughter off at the airport and immediately headed west to mom's house as she was obviously in need of 24/7 care after our Christmas visit. I was 5 minutes from her house when my sister texted that they were at the hospital. I turned around and arrived there about 10 minutes later. It was a long waiting game as the medical team ran tests and worked to get mom stable. She was suffering from sepsis so IV antibiotics were started. I stayed in the ER with her all night as the hospital was full and there were no available beds in ICU. There was no way we were going to leave her alone in an ER trauma room when she was unable to advocate for herself. 

I was relieved the next morning to go to moms house and sleep a bit, but not before the ICU nurse set up a makeshift ICU annex in the ER. She was honestly the most competent, caring, and hard working nurse I've ever seen. I made sure to thank her and wish her well as she was heading back to her regular job at a different hospital.

Mom stayed in the hospital for 6 days and eventually made it to a regular room where she told us repeatedly, how much she wanted to die as well as go home. We got her home and on Hospice where she is receiving care from a Dr, nurse manager (RN), social worker (for us), a spiritual counselor, and an LPN. They come in for a half hour or so to make sure we have all we need. My two younger sisters and I are providing 24 hour care however. I never wanted to be doing this intimate, but necessary work, but here I am. I am finding grace in caring for someone so vulnerable. I haven't been home in over 2 weeks now but my dear friend and neighbor Annette is keeping an eye on things there for me. My sister from CT has taken a one month leave of absence from her job, along with youngest sister (a teacher) who is just using personal leave. I can't imagine doing this work with less than 3 people. We are all tired and emotionally drained as mom lingers. She is so freaking strong, but I love her for that.

Mom often expresses her gratitude that it is us, and not strangers, caring for her. My oldest sister who is mentally fragile, stops in to visit which is all she can do, but that makes mom happy. My other older sister has again elected to stay away for reasons she does not share - sad. My 2 brothers have been great. One stops in every day with our therapy dog Millie - he even made us dinner one night and has offered to bring us anything. The same with my older brother who brought us dinner and just listened to us and expressed how grateful he is for us caring for mom too. 

My walking/exercise is sporadic at best, but that will have to do. I took these photos on a walk as I thought about how I won't really be returning to Corning once this is all over. 

I liked the angles in the Corning Inc. headquarters building.

Info plaques on the pedestrian bridge.

As I walked along the dike, I thought I saw a moldy garbage bag lying in the grass. As I got closer, I saw it was a very oddly colored feral cat.

Sister T and I just finished getting mom cleaned up and changed and we are taking care of ourselves for a few hours as mom sleeps. Sister C is at her home doing the same. I am usually near tears and exhausted as these days melt into each other, but we are bonding and finding joy within the sadness as well. I accidentally sat in the basin of soapy water as we were cleaning mom, and she laughed so hard. I will be getting a therapist when I get home because this is a lot. My daughter in LA has been supportive from afar which is so helpful to me. I can't wait to spend some time in Aruba with her this summer.